Volatile
by Trent Trancy
Summary: romano ((Or as referred to as Lovino in story)) is coming to view his judgement of himself. after he gets super jealous of a certain someone of course. but... it doesn't go as well as one would think. spamano. Rated M for language and Extreme hinting of Character self harm/Suicide. please rate and give suggestions on how to approve!
1. P A T H E TI C

Fuck I can't... I can't even focus anymore. That stupid bastard. That fucking tomato whore, shit.

…...

no.

never mind.

I lied.

I couldn't hate him. I just fucking can't...

I just can't seem to get the Motherfucking memo across to him that I don't mean to hate him, just... UGH GODDAMMIT.

no... I don't even accidentally hate him..

dammit... I can't even get this straight in my own mind.

I'm such a little piece of shit you know that? I cant even clean with out knocking a fucking shelf of books down. And my drawings look like they've come out of an ass.

And I'm not nice.. and nothing like Feliciano .

I mean everyone fucking hates me. I mean...I guess I'm starting to know why.

I'm starting to hate my ass too. Feliciano was always amazing at everything. At least he had something to build a relationship on other than Grandpa's inheritance... and that's the only I have got going for me. Just

fuck. My tears are so stupid. Making me look like shit.

I mean I guess I've always looked like shit.

I mean why else would Feliciano always get fawned over, and me just pushed aside like something that crawled into a whole and never came out?

Huff...breathe Lovino... breathe... no.

fuck this.

Fuck everything

FUCK THE WORLD

no... I lied.

F-fuck... fuck me...

shit tears...dammit... stop already...

….well... I... well... um... shit... I...-choke- I ...dammit...

WHY CANT I FU-

no Lovino... stop... calm down... at least for your last moments... be clear...

be clean... speak nicely.. like you've always wanted... but were too scared too... were afraid too... I just... can't anymore.. he doesn't care. The "one" doesn't even think of me in any way special. He's always all over my fratello... just... FUCK...lovino. Stop. Just your getting to much to handle for yourself. Its bad enough your worthless to everyone else... but now your just plain annoying.

god dammit.

I hate myself.

All I do is complain

and im too scared to do anything productive... because... im just going to get laughed at and get judged anyway... so if I just act like im not trying... and I dont like anyone then... no one will say I messed up because you cant fail if you dont try right?

Im so lame... and no one knows it

except myself

and I hate it

I hate mysel- OUCH.

I deserved i- OWOWOWOW...SHIT...

I guess this is payment for my worthless- FUCK THIS HURTS...

oh look. Even my blood is

pathetic...

-end of chapter one.-


	2. H O S P I T AL

The hell...?

shit its the sunlight...

but its not my room?

Fuck...its a hospital..

ow...

dammit it hurts.

All over..

where the hell is the bitch that's supposed to be my nurse? I need some answers.

Now.

How I got here.

And why they couldn't let me die there.

Why the hell couldn't they leave a stupid ugly ass piece of shit to die when it wanted.

Fuck... tears quit coming back.

Not in public.

Not in a place where I worry to much.

Not in a place that doesn't deserve a bastard like me.

The door opened.

It was fucking Feliciano.

It was him wasn't it.

He saved me. That cunt. The bastard that fucktard...

That good person...the cute one... the talented one...the successful one.

"L-lovino?"

oh look... he fake cares... you can see it too. He probably thinks... no, knows hes better then me.

Fuck. I'm the real bastard here.

"are you alright Lovino?"

I cant... I cant... I cant...

my tears are choking me feliciano.

I cant tell you how amazing you are I just ca-

"GO TO HELL YOU STU-pid..-choke- m-mother...f-fucking...piece of...s-s-shit..."

I'm probably sobbing so much right now. That when I yelled that. I didn't notice. How much I just hurt Feli... god dammit...

god fucking dammit.

This needs to not keep happening

the hurt look on Feli's face.

The one who deserves to be happy.

Isn't happy because of me.

Just...fucckkkkk...

oh these pillows are really soft... but now there on the ground... haha... because of me. This is so lame. Im just going to leave them there. Hoping Feli doesn't think I'm going insane or anything because I just threw pillows for no reason.

Wouldn't it be grand if he thought I was insane? Maybe I would have an excuse then,

To be this lame.

To be so unreliable

shit... I have become such a crybaby... I hate this situation.

Can he leave? He just fucking...s-s-tanding there watching me cry...ahhh go awayyy. Pleasee... im done feli... there's nothing fucking too it.

I cant even see anymore. My eyes are too blurred by my tears... .they are starting to burn help... help instead of standing there... dumb ass...now hes sitting down beside me... what a way to make me feel worse...

"lovi... whats wrong..?...have you been hurting yourself a lot lately?...i uh..i hope not..."

those words are making me angry. Just because I tried to kill myself... or hurt myself once... doesn't mean I have been doing it forever... im not some overly depressed whore that cuts themselves for attention... im just an overly depressed whore and that's that...

wait... can men even be whores? Whatever. If they can... I probably am one.

I managed to gather up so lame ass words to say... and im going to lay it all on him...let him know.

How the fuck I really want to be... and how I feel... even if im scared as shit...

-end of chapter 2-


	3. B R E A K D O WN

"I'm serious...Fratello...what's wrong?"

Shit...he's making me feel bad about what im about to say.

"...Just shut up for a second, Feliciano."

….I'm going to say it. I'm going to calm down, and let him know. Now, if these damn tears would fully stop that would be amazing. But I think its okay to cry a little bit,

right now at least. I'll let the tears fall as they please.

Even if feli ends up thinking im some weak ass faggot.

"Listen good fratello...I'm only saying this once.."

"no questions... got it?"

Haha as if he would have any questions anyway. I'm the most unoriginal fuck you'll ever meet.

"Alright... I won't tell anyone either, if that helps."

UGH he's TOO nice!

"thanks"

I mean I guess I can at least be nice now. It wouldn't make sense to put on my mask now... I have to let it all out.

Breathe andddd...

"I hate the world, I hate fucking people, I hate annoying birds, having to all this shit, I hate being looked at as some piece of damn shit. I fucking h-hate...Antonio and his fucking clueless ass. I...and...um."

Shit. The tears again, its because I let them stay isn't it?

"I-I-I f-f-f-fucking...HATE YOU THE MOST DAMMIT! FUCKING BASTARD!"

fuck...

fuck...

what am I...

saying... to feli?

God dammit...

im so stupid.

-end of chapter 3-


	4. C O N F E S S IO N

Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit.

I seriously fucked up. I didn't want to yell, I didn't want to scream.

I'm such a dick.

I need to go to hell.

I need to fucking die.

You can see on Feli's face...that he's upset.

He's actually crying now...

"No...no...nononono..."

I really didnt mean anything I said...I just...UGH.

I hate myself.

You could hear Feliciano trying to talk even though he's crying as much as me now.

I mean,

we both cry a ton already, but..,

you can just feel the atmosphere being stronger then all those times we cried.

I mean... Just... it's all my fucking fault...

it's really just killing me inside...

Fuck...

"L-lovi?" his face looks even more sad then before. Shit.

I can't hold back any tears anymore.

I'm probably sobbing more then I should.

"I..."

Now... I'm going to tell him the truth...

I'll make sure of it.

"I fucking lied Feli. I lied. I didn't mean a-anything I said... Shit..."

I'm probably crying so much that im worrying feliciano.

But if I don't tell him now... I won't be able too later.

"I...I a-actually...L-love...love...the world... the people... the damn birds... and all the shit I have to do..even if I always mess it all up by accident. I d-don't... I uh... care a lot about what people think of me...I'm not going to explain Antonio right now, I still h-hate him and... an I uh...AND I'M FUCKING JEALOUS OF YOU OKAY?! um...wait..no... I mean...ugh..." I hate this I really do. Im just going to scrunch my knees up close and hide my face.. shit... im pulling my hair out of frustration. It hurts. But I dont give a shit right now.

"I fucking...h-hate m-myself..."

"F-feliciano...I'm going to f-f-f-fucking kill my self..."

-end of chapter 4-


	5. P A I N F U L

"W-what? So...you were really the one who hurt yourself? I-i mean... I thought you were stronger then that fratello..."

...THE HELL...i-is...that SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL FUCKING BETTER? THAT f-FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT...!

why...why does HE have to be better then me...?

This... is going to haunt me...for my whole damn life...

"S-stop it, Feliciano. I'M DONE."

"w-wait! Wha-!"

"g-get OUT!"

I dont want to try to fix things anymore... just let me waste away in fucking solitude...please..

"b-but you haven't explained why your giving up on l-lif-!"

"GIVING UP!? GIVING UP!? DO...D-do...do you really...think this is about giving up on my shitty life?!"

His stupidity

"T-then...what are you giving up on L-lovi?"

is

"...f-f...f-fucking LEARNING TO LIKE MYSELF DAMMIT!"

P.A.I.N.F.U.L

Author's note: Short Chapter for the feel of the story


	6. P L E A S E

"eh?...but your so...unique, Lovi! You're my bro-"

"SHUT UP! I have heard that all before...!

that is just all the stupid SHIT they FUCKING TEACH you in PRE-K.

But...

The cruel reality of it...

is...-"

"Lovi! Sto-"

"I HURT EVERYONE I TALK TO! NO MATTER...no matter...what I do or say, I always..end up fucking everyones lives up!...YOU KNOW THAT FUCKING MUCH FRATELLO! SO WHY DO YOU PUSH ME ON THIS SUBJECT ALL THE DAMN TIME! YOU'RE NOT STUPID, Fuck ass.. use your brain for this... THIS IS SERIOUS SHIT FELI!"

silence... its my fault its there...

maybe I have grown to like it...

I dont know... maybe.

I seemed to cause it a lot.

"...sh-sh-sh-shit... Feli..."

These tears burn this time...

" IF YOU WONT FUCKING LEAVE I WILL."

the door.

Its my only escaped from this hell of a situation.

Its the only way out of that conversation.

Ouch...

oh thats right... I'm still hurt..

aha... nice...

"h-hey lovi... stop if you leave you-"

-SLAM-

…..HOWS THAT...i left... I fucking left. Im getting here and FINISHING WHAT I FUCKING STARTED.

This is the one job...

im actually good at anyway.

so...

Im going to walk out that door and i'll head home. Aha im almost ther-

…...

SHIT.

FUCK.

GO THE HELL AWAY.

W-why...why does it have to be you right now...?

just let me pass and leave...

godammit.

* * *

Please.


	7. A N T O N I O

"...lovi?"

fuck...

that voice...even when it sounds in a low key...

its talking...

and its directed at me...

even... even if... he's probably mad at me. Or doesn't even feel anything at all...

he's talking to me and i-

"...why are you at the hospital?.."

there it is.

The question I was hoping not to hear.

"FRATELLO!"

oh...its feli... seems he cared enough...?

oh no ones questioning im crying? IS ...IS IT THAT...FUCKING...normal?

Dont grab me fratello.

Dont come near me you fucking idiot.

"A-antonio help lovi is scaring me! He already ended up harmi-"

"F-FUCKING...SHUT...It..."

that is all I can manage.

I darted out of there.

As fast as I could.

I think they are screaming after me.

They both really hate me though right?

Shit...

…...broken glass?...

this is the street of course... I guess you could find any litter possible here...

its a nice and pretty decent piece of glass. I wonder if it'll-

AgH... it hurts...

have I really grown to love pain.

Or is it that pain is the only thing

That Loves me?

OUCH...

that one cut super deep..

"LOVI!"

it...-it isnt my brother... its f-fucking...

Antonio... but its too late.

I'm going to do it.


	8. D O N T L E T G O

"STOP IT LOVI"

both of our faces.

Flushed with tears.

How did this happen.

Why did this happen.

Only we know.

We didnt know it would go this far.

"LOVI I-"

I fell.

Im lying flat out on the ground gasping for air.

I sound ugly and dreadful,

like a fish without water.

Like a body without a soul.

" Shit-! Lovi! You really hurt lets get back to the hos-"

"nOoO... I DONT WANNA.,...aCK …...go...PLEASE... dont FUCKING. Make.. mEeeEeee"

im bleeding.

Its all around me... the crimson puddle of despair and failure.

The essence of my body... leaving...

" l-lovi..."

"I sA-...SAiD I dOnT wAnNa GoOoOoOo..."

my voice is so shaky and drowned out.

Its pathetic.

Really.

" LOVI …. IM GOING TO TAKE YOU THERE WHETHER YOU WANT ME TOO OR NOT..."

" bUt WhYyYy... kuh... nO oNe GiVeS a ShIt if I...d-die... anyway... doNt...PreTENd... to CaRE...not... not like...EveRy..EveRy...oNe ElSe..."

the tears hurt.

My heart hurts.

The cuts hurt.

The wounds are bleeding...

my clothes are ruined...

I can barley move.

"IM NOT WORTH SAVING...FUCKING...antonio...

I FUCKING LOVE YOU OKAY YOU F-FUCktaaard..."

I..

really did...

love you...

so save me

IF I REALLY MEAN SOMETHING.

THEN SAVE ME.

If you really. Think I have potential.

THEN TALK TO ME...

if you actually cared then...

Talk to me again and...

"Dont let go...antoniooo..."

Never... let go...


End file.
